As a little girl my vision of being a mother involved the fairy tale scenario of boy meets girl, they marry, they have a beautiful child magically with all smiles and joy and they raise the child with all the fun wonders of family life complete with dance lessons, travels to disney world, and dinners together at the dining room table. Not once did I think about the daily struggle I would encounter that brewed an internal constant questioning…”is this the right choice?” Each scenario leaves me feeling either defeated or like the villain. Then dad comes in and much to my surprise he is not prince charming but rather the charmer of undoing what I work so hard to accomplish all day. With one wrong comment or contradicting action he can swiftly become the good guy only perpetuating my evil villain persona my kids seem to recognize me as. Most days I find myself consumed with anger, frustration and exhaustion. All mixed together with a draining reality that feels like the movie Ground Hog day, but with a lot less humor. Seven years into this family juggle I find myself “Asking” for time. As if he is doing me a favor in relieving me of my “motherly duties.” While this old school perspective of male/female roles may appear to be dead in our generation I can’t help but feel it still is deeply rooted in our DNA somehow. Or at least in our house. It’s like our head knows one way but our habitual subconscious mind is stuck in the 50s. I finally had an explosion and poured out my frustration to my partner about all the unfairness that I felt building up inside me. Then he had the audacity to request that we list the things we do in order to compare what we each do for the family! I was taken back and then responded with complete and utter defense of WHY THE HELL would he ask this of me, but if we must….here we go. My list includes bathing our kids, cutting nails, feeding, cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, deciding and planning meals, preparing endless snacks, cleaning out closets, washing laundry, folding and putting away laundry, washing the car, cleaning out the car, changing diapers, nursing, feeding bottles, washing bottles, ordering house supplies, organizing, creating systems to keep order, driving to doctor appts, booking doctor appts, haircut appts, taking them to haircut appts, finding tutors, booking tutors, taking them to the tutor, driving to dance lessons, buying supplies needed for dance and school, music lessons, music practice time, discipline, teaching my child to read, do math, cook, brush hair, put them to bed, washing dishes, putting dishes away, cleaning floors, cleaning windows, dusting, planning birthday parties, hosting parties, buying gifts, wrapping, taking kids to parties (never adult ones) keeping them clothed, monitoring what they have grown out of and figuring out what to do with what has been grown out of, cleaning the bathrooms, picking up toys, cleaning out the fridge, planning play dates, supervising playdates, mediating, patience….and all the while this is not including work or my personal needs such as hygiene or other maintenance which I never seem to have time for. All this and so much more because honestly it never stops. In all fairness he does do a lot. He practically works 2 jobs and really does do a lot of dishes because I cook a lot!

Then one day I met a woman who, granted she has a lot more money than me and live-in help, has one child that she loves dearly. However, this does not define her. She lives a selfish life DAILY. Her priorities in a day include bathing HERSELF, make up, fixing her hair, picking out her outfit, exercising and that is just her morning. The rest of the day she keeps to her commitments and fits her child in where she can. Is she happier than me? Maybe, maybe not. But what I did observe was that she was still who she was before having a child. I met a few other mothers with a similar approach to motherhood. They were less of a martyr and more of an independent person where family weaved into their world as they dictated it so. When I watched the kids some may see them as neglected but I observed something even more interesting and deeper. Sure these kids were not read stories by their mother, or have their hair washed perfectly by their mother or fed home cooked meals daily but they seemed to have another part of themselves thriving. Their own independence grew. Without a mother available at their beck and call they adapted, figured things out, got into different mischief that brought in new experiences and called them to make decisions. My kids don’t know how to trim their own nails, or brush their own hair or fold the laundry. I started to wonder if I was too available to them.

My friend that has a lot of money and lives the more selfish mother life told me she was planning a trip to Croatia with her husband and not their child. She asked if I thought it was bad that she is leaving her son behind. I replied as if it was a reflex  and said “No, if I had your resources, I’d do the same.” But at the end of the day we all have resources to be more selfish. Maybe I don’t have the budget to hop on a plane to Croatia, but I could put myself first and go sit at a bookstore and read for an hour by myself like I did when I was single. Or go to a yoga class and enjoy 90 minutes of stretching and spiritual reflections. When did taking an hour or so a day for myself become so difficult? Are we all just training our kids to be narcissists by allowing our world to revolve around them? I had a huge epiphany one day when my child stubbed her toe (an accident that happens almost daily since she inherited my partner’s clumsy genes) and I was preoccupied with my newborn. When I didn’t react to her outburst of pain she then became louder and started crying hysterically not from the pain in her toe, but because of my lack of reaction! Her exact words were: “Mom! You’re supposed to react when your child is in pain!” That was the moment I knew I had created a person who does not understand reality outside of this little bubble we developed around her. I don’t want to stop reading stories to my kids, I love doing it so much. And I don’t want to give up watching my kids play in the bath but finding a balance so this is something we enjoy and not just another task in my endless list of things to manage. When my daughter demands my attention I’ve been more distant and trying to step away and focus on things for myself, such as a shower….she really has a hard time with this and giving me that space and I don’t always have the right response to her that exudes patience but I’m trying to change this mold.

My oldest is 7…damage has been done but I hope I can find some balance to bring her back to a grounded state. Not only for the sake of the world and the new generation growing up but for her own happiness because this standard of attention she is accustomed to is not sustainable and she will never find a healthy source to feed this trained desire. I share this honest post not to start a debate but to raise a question of where do our kids lie in our daily life? Are we too available or not available enough? What are some tips you’ve used to help create more balance in your “mom” life?